Lessons from a Dumbass Homeowner

We bought a house! Woo-hoo! We decided to paint the walls of our house before we moved in.
We thought that we’d be able to knock it out in a weekend. For the most part – things went well; we were able to knock out the living room, dining room, office and bedroom in 2 days with no problem. However, being the dumbass first-time homeowners we are, we had NO idea how f-ing impossible it would be to paint the kitchen and bathrooms because nobody told us that painting over glossy paint is a mother-f-ing nightmare, what with the sanding, wiping, washing, and repeating multiple times. We invested at least 20 man hours trying to paint the 2 bathrooms. After 3 weeks the paint in the powder room was still tacky and it was peeling off in other spots – at that point we knew we were in over our head and needed professionals to tackle the kitchen and fix our bathrooms.

We're glad we decided to paint before we moved in - that saved us major hassles and headaches. However, we learned a few lessons that we'd like to share with you:

1. Spread the wealth. Take stock of the work needed, determine what your time is worth, and then decide what’s more important: A) spending the money on a professional who’ll do it right the first time, or B) saving a few dollars to do it yourself just so you can gain the knowledge that hiring someone to do it was the correct choice to make.
2. Don’t trust the word of the 18 year old working at Lowe’s or Home Depot. Ignore the "Hi, I'm Bob your trusty paint specialist" button they're wearing - wearing the button doesn't make him a specialist.
   
3. Buy your paint directly from Sherwin-Williams or Dun Edwards, not Home Depot.
4. If your wife says, “let’s put the couch on the 1st floor, rather than try to squeeze it upstairs,” listen to her. (story to come later)
   
5. Painting your living room, office or bedroom by yourself = good idea. Flat enamel paint is easy to use for even the most amateur of painters.
6. Painting your bathroom or kitchen yourself = bad idea. See rule #1. Glossy and semi-gloss paint are now 4-letter words in my book. We sunk at least 20 man hours into painting the guest bathroom and powder room and we STILL had to hire a professional to fix what we couldn’t.
7. If, after 3 weeks, the semi-gloss paint in your powder room is still tacky, hire someone who knows what they’re doing to fix it.
8. Be prepared to feel like a complete and utter Eddie Bauer-certified yuppie when discussing paint colors. Our colors are Expedition Khaki, Corn Husk, Spiced Acorn and Windsor Haze. In other words - tan, light green, orange and dark blue. I can't say our color names without feeling like a complete schmuck. The only color that's not dumb - Milk Chocolate. Mmm, that just makes me hungry.